We all have storms in our life. Some have tornadoes, some have hurricanes. The trick to life is finding your Calmer. I never knew my Calmer until about a year ago. However, my rents split up when I was five and I am the youngest of three, with an older brother and sister.

                When I was young, sports were my life. I was a huge tomboy. A lot of the times I got asked if I was a boy or a girl. That’s a killer question on a youngin’ especially one that suffers with her weight too. I grew up to be a chubby kid. Not going to lie. That was so terrible on my self-confidence. That is a tornado like storm in my life.

                My dad got married shortly after the divorce, so I had to go to visit him and his new wife. I did not understand when my dad started to get strict. I wasn’t used to that. Also, I noticed that he was drinking more.  As I got to middle school age, going to my dad’s house felt like it was a chore. I would fake sick so I wouldn’t have to go to his house. He was very controlling at times; it got to the point where he would physically, emotionally, and mentally abuse me.

                This is where the hurricane blew in. I felt so unconfident in myself. I decided that I wanted to be rebellious, and the big thing was to be “emo.” So what I did was completely change image. At this point I did not know who I was at all and things at my dads’ house were getting worse. Then one weekend, my dad abused me for the last time. He grabbed my arm so tight and shook me. I screamed “Don’t touch me!” I tried to call my mom to go home, but he wouldn’t let me. I was trapped, shaken, and so scared.  I did not look at my dad in the eye; I stayed in my room all weekend. All I did was sleep and cry. It came to be when I could leave, and my step mom asked me “You’re walking around this house like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” And I said “I’m scared dad, I’m scared of you” And my dad chimes in “I will make your weekends here a living hell.” And I said “Is that a threat?” and with this evil look words cannot explain “It’s a promise.”

                I refused to go to my dads house after that. I had panic attacks just thinking about it. When it came time to go, I would lock myself somewhere. My dad eventually took this to the friend of the court. I was forced to go see him every Thursday.  The effects of all of this were unbearable. I would have panic attacks whenever I thought of anything about him, or even saw him. I was stressed, I had migraines, my grades were slipping, and my self-confidence was at an all time low. To top it all off, the girls at school cyber bullied me. They called me a fat, lesbian, ugly girl. I struggled with sin that did not satisfy at all. I got caught up in wanting to be loved so bad, that I ran to find love on the internet, and got myself wrapped up into a nasty industry.  Altogether, I had so many thoughts fly through my brain—to the point where I tried to kill myself.  I simply did not want to live any more. At the moment, I hated God—however God had a beautiful, beautiful plan for me. 

                I got counseling, and that helped. I slowly regained myself. At this time in my life, I was living with my mother. By the friend of the court, my dad was deemed an unfit parent for me, so I never had to go over and visit him. By Gods grace he answered my prayer from awhile ago, my dad ended up moving away because of his job.

                I started to have faith, slowly but surely. However, I started to come to church more often. The church I went to had a new youth pastor. He preached the word of God to me like no one else ever did. He showed me how much I needed God, that I was a broken, unworthy sinner in desperate need of His forgiveness. I heard the same message from him for awhile, but I never really changed until one day I said in my mind, “I’m done playing games; I’m drawing the line in the sand, and stepping over.”  I meant serious business right there. Then, my youth pastor took us up north, to have a lock in with other youth groupers. There it was laid on my heart that I need to forgive my dad. “How?” I kept asking myself, “How in the world can I forgive someone who ruined my life? He hurt me so much.”

                One glorious night of being broken and having the weight of the world on my shoulders, I pray to God. I barley can get the words out to speak to him.

“God,

Forgive me for, just everything. I believe in You. Please grant me the strength to forgive my dad, because You have forgiven me for so much. I can’t do this. I need You. ”

Amen.

                Sweetest amen ever, because the next breath I took in felt like life. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like my eyes where busted open. I was breathing a new life. The weight of the world was released off my shoulders.

                My faith was like a fire cracker from there on. Exploding with joy over what He has done for me on the cross, my life radically changed for Him. My friends noticed, and I even got to witness my first time! I was living in the new life like a champ. However, once again I got cyberbullied; this time it was for my faith.  The message said and included my cell phone number,

“Her name is Lauren

Tell her God is not real,

Feel free to call her a whore, too.”

                This actually happened to me twice.  I got calls and texts from all around the world saying things to me, and random messages on facebook. I got depressed again. To be honest, I wanted to end my life. I felt like I had no one, and everyone hated me.  Praise God that through Christ I overcame that storm in my life.

                I am currently wearing a cross necklace my dad gave me for Christmas. Because it came from my dad, it’s not just the cross of Christ to me. My life is centered around the cross, and because I had to be broken to become alive, Praise God I was abused by my dad. Praise God for the self-confidence issues, the depression, thoughts of suicide, cyberbullying, fights, fear, anxieties, and every storm to pass through my life.

                I can come before the throne of God full of sins, and be declared righteous because of Christ and His sinless death on the cross.  He has shown me so much grace. The beautiful thing about Christ is that no matter what sins I’ve done, He loves me anyway.

                To all the people reading this that are suffering from anything, know that I am here for them. However, God understands what you’re going through. Sometimes it’s hard to believe in Him. Life is going to have storms. It’s going to get hard. Some days you’re going to look into the mirror and hate everything you see. Some days you’re going to want to take that razor to your wrists. Some days you’re going to be hated, and someday you’re going to feel so alone.  And on the days where I feel alone, and life has brought me to my knees, I think of my life verse,

“              On that day it shall be said to Jerusalem:

                “Fear not, O Zion;

                                let not your hands grow weak.

                The LORD your God is in your midst,

                                a mighty one who will save;

                he will rejoice over you with gladness;

                                he will quiet you by his love;

                he will exult over you with loud singing.

(Zephaniah 3:16-17 ESV)

(Zephaniah 3:16 ESV)

                Everyday is a chance for a new thing to add to my testimony. Anything can happen in a second that can absolutely change my life.  The trick to life is finding The Calmer.